The structure and function of our nervous system is the answer to the question of why the practice of self-compassion is so important in the process of helping others. When we practice self-compassion in the face of our fellow human beings' suffering, the same processes take place in our bodies as when a mother soothes her baby.

From infancy, humans have the capacity to feel the emotions of those around them. Their mirror neurons are responsible for this phenomenon. An infant does not yet have the neural pathways to calm itself down, and the mother's neural pathways will do the calming for her. This is why, when an infant starts crying, it cannot stop crying unless someone comforts it (or it gets tired of crying, but the frequent repetition of the latter teaches the growing human being not to ask for help because it will not be given).

When the infant cries, its mother steps up and, through her mirror neurons, takes on the expression of her baby and relives some of its suffering. The infant sees the signs of suffering on his mother's face, senses that his mother is trembling with him. The mother then begins to soothe herself - or rather, her infant's emotions reflected in her.

This causes his expression to slowly soften. The baby's mirror neurons pick up the mother's reassurance, and the painful feelings in the baby are calmed. This process is not conscious in the mother. It is instinctively encoded in us that when we encounter the suffering of an infant, we first take on its suffering expression, we speak to it in a gentle tone of voice that reflects the suffering, and then our facial expressions begin to smoothen and our tone of voice becomes more and more gentle. If done properly, it develops the neural pathways that help it to become an emotionally balanced adult.

In many cases, the parent is not emotionally present with the infant in a satisfactory way, so this process is lacking and the adult does not develop the capacity for self-soothing. Such a person is constantly tense, anxious, sad or angry, has emotional outbursts and experiences intense emotional distress for much of the time.

In compassion-focused therapy, it is possible to compensate for this process. The client arrives for therapy, sharing some painful experience. Their red system is activated and they experience unpleasant emotions. The therapist's mirror neurons kick in, activating their own red system. The therapist experiences the other person's suffering in his or her body, without consciously distancing himself or herself. 

However, it is with an equally consciously tender love for the self, who experiences the suffering of its client. Through his tender attitude towards himself, his green system is activated and he begins to reduce the functioning of his red system. The client, with the help of his mirror neurons, perceives the green system switched on in the therapist and his own green system is switched on. His green system begins to reduce the intensity of the unpleasant sensations that his red system is generating. This process is repeated many times in successive therapy sessions. In this way, new synapses are formed in the client's brain and his green system is strengthened and developed.

It may sound surprising at first sight, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense that this process is also good for the therapist's mental health. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by his clients' suffering, he himself practices, during each therapy session, to consciously turn on his green system when he notices his red system kicking in, and to allow his green system to begin to reduce the intensity of his red system's emotions. In this way, his nervous system is also in constant training. The process, which is also practiced during therapy sessions, becomes more accessible when he notices the activation of his red system in his private life.

For a long time, for a psychotherapist to feel the clients' emotions has been seen in the literature as a weakness of the helpers that must be eliminated at all costs. Because this phenomenon is related to the functioning of our mirror neurons, our efforts to reduce it have met with little success. And if we do have some success, it greatly reduces the effectiveness of our professional work. There are few more repulsive experiences than encountering a cold and distant helping professional, leaning back in his chair, with notepad in hand, objectively measuring all that we have shared with him in a confidential and intimate way.

Neuropsychological research on self-compassion points us in another direction: the path of self-compassion. 
What seemed threatening to helping professionals now appears as an opportunity for their personal development. 

When I encounter the suffering of others, can I gently listen to how the suffering of the other person is manifested in me? Can I tenderly embrace it within myself? What happens in him as I tenderly embrace the suffering resonating within me?