The first step to self-acceptance is to recognize here and now that we are suffering. What we cannot perceive, we cannot empathise with. It seems so obvious that we are aware of it when something is unpleasant, something bothers us. But our everyday experience shows us that we try to remove unpleasant emotions from our consciousness as far as possible.
No wonder we tend to ignore our pain, since we are physiologically programmed to avoid what is unpleasant. Pain is a signal from our body that something is wrong and triggers the fight-or-flight response. This instinctive response makes it difficult for us to turn towards our pain, to hold it, to carry it and to be with it as it is. If the pain indicates an imminent threat to life or a physical threat, this evolutionary response is very appropriate. In our modern living conditions, however, pain is most often not of this nature. We are not in constant danger of death, our discomfort often stems from a sense that our positive self-image is threatened (we feel that someone is not taking our point of view into account, is not being appreciative or helpful, or that we are not living up to our own or others' expectations, etc.). In these situations, distancing ourselves from our emotions - the fight-or-flight response - is not helpful for coping in everyday life situations or for maintaining mental health.

Mindfulness is our ability to perceive our pain in its reality, without denying it, trivialising it, magnifying it, identifying with it and allowing it to overwhelm us and take control of us. Awareness means not only feeling anger, sadness, fear, but also being aware that we are feeling any of these. The way to become aware is to ask ourselves from time to time, looking inward, "What am I feeling?" "What thoughts are fueling this feeling?" "What bodily sensation is this emotion that I have just recognized in myself?" We notice our feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and accept them as they are. We don't interpret them, we don't try to make them disappear or change them. We open up to what we are experiencing with curiosity and interest, like a child exploring its environment.
In the process of practicing mindfulness, we may realize that the experience of awareness is always the same, but what we are aware of is always changing: our body sensations, emotions, thoughts, inner images, memories. When our attention is on the awareness itself, and not on what we are aware of, we can be calm. At a visceral level, we understand that we are not defined by what we feel or think, but that there is a reality beyond all of this, who perceives them and who is our truest self. This experience profoundly transforms our sense of identity.

If we develop the ability to perceive our emotions, to accept their presence, to observe them with interested attention, we will be able, in many situations, to avoid being overwhelmed by them, to avoid being determined by them. However, we may not always manage to remain in a state of mindfulness in the midst of our intense emotions. Mindfulness can help us to get out of overreactions more quickly. It helps us to notice that we have overreacted to our emotions, to repent and make amends, rather than wallowing in self-blame.
We can develop mindfulness in ourselves through very simple exercises. Throughout the day, we can stop for a minute or two and listen to the noise around us. We can become aware of what we are hearing. Or we can sit up straight on a chair and listen to our body, to see which part of our body is attracting attention. Our minds can wander while we're doing this, and start to make some interpretations of what we're noticing. This follows naturally from the way our brains work. All we have to do is notice that our thoughts have 'arrived' and gently turn our attention back to what we want to perceive.

First the call to get close to our pain may sound like self-torture. Running away from pain is a reflex written into our body, urging us to do everything we can to avoid suffering. Yet experience shows that very often the more we try to avoid pain, the more intense the suffering we experience. The paradox of our humanity can be summed up in the following formula:
suffering = pain x resistance
Pain is like a gaseous substance. If we allow it to just be free, it may disappear completely, it may go away on its own, but it will diminish in any case, but if we resist it, it is like being squeezed into a tight space. The pressure builds until it explodes.
Resisting the pain is like banging your head against the wall of reality. When we fight against letting unpleasant emotions become part of our experience, we add anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, disappointment, shame, guilt to our pain. This only increases suffering. When one part of my body hurts, the muscles around it tighten. If I can relax my muscles, the physical pain is reduced. If the tension lasts for a long time, not only that point hurts, but the muscles around it. It is the same when my soul is hurting. If I tense up to avoid feeling the pain, this tension also causes suffering. If I can allow myself to feel pain, I feel relief. Of course, this does not mean consciously seeking or maintaining pain. We are called to alleviate our own pain and the pain of others to the extent of our ability and possibilities. Yet... paradoxically, we must first get close to the pain, loosening the tensions of our resistance, precisely so that we can take the next step of doing all we can to alleviate suffering.
We seek a delicate and sensitive balance. A relaxation of allowing in our bodies and minds, while remaining alert and ready to ease the pain. Maintaining the intention to ease the pain while opening to accept the pain in the present moment and move close to it. This seems paradoxical, mutually exclusive processes. Words may not even be able to explain it, because it is not primarily at the level of our intellect, but an inner visceral experience. Only through prolonged inner trial and practice can we get a taste for it. And once we do, it fascinates us and becomes one of our most precious inner treasures.

Mindfulness helps us to stop resisting reality because it teaches us to look at our experiences without judgement. When we approach our difficult emotions without judgment, we give them the opportunity to appear and disappear in their natural course. And when there is an opportunity for change, mindfulness helps us to become so calm that we can find the wisest steps to change our situation.
While there is great truth in the cliché that "it's all in the mind", we should be very careful how we interpret this statement. Very often we use it as a weapon against ourselves and each other.
Research over the last few decades suggests that we have surprisingly little power to influence the thoughts and emotions that appear in our minds. They are influenced by our past experiences, our hormonal cycles, our physical condition, our culture, our past thoughts and feelings, and many other factors, most of which are not consciously chosen by us.

Therefore, we cannot block out the thoughts and emotions that arise as a consequence, even if they are sickening thoughts and emotions. What we can change, however, and to a large extent this is really "in our heads", is how we relate to them.
When we condemn ourselves for a thought or emotion, we only make matters worse. If we say we are horrible for having this or that thought, or that a nice person in that situation would feel sympathy instead of annoyance, we add self-blame to the annoyance and get caught in a downward spiral of unpleasant emotions.
Nor do we need to torment ourselves with the idea that the thought that comes to mind is immoral and the emotion destructive. We simply allow them to appear, to linger in our minds, and to go away on their own. If we don't lose ourselves in them, if we just notice their presence, they will diminish of their own accord and may go away completely. And if we notice a nurturing thought arising, we can hold it lovingly in our consciousness until it fully blossoms.
When we feel an unpleasant emotion arising in us, we should pay attention to where and how it appears in our body. Try to notice the tensing of our body to resist the perceived discomfort.