Psychological research in recent decades has increasingly shown that forgiveness is a very important condition for our mental health. Even out of sheer selfishness, we should develop our capacity to forgive.

Misconceptions about forgiveness often make it difficult for us to forgive those who have in some way harmed us in more or less serious ways. It is important to clarify these first.

Forgiveness does not mean denying the harm. If there were no harm, there would be no point in forgiving. The first step is to say that the other person has wronged us. We make them aware of the harm they have caused us. We do not exaggerate, but we do not minimize. To the extent that we are able, we take an objective account of the harm that the other person's behaviour has caused us emotionally, financially, relationally, etc.

Forgiveness does not mean that we continue to subject ourselves to the other person's offences. If they are unwilling or unable to change their behaviour towards us, it is legitimate to set boundaries with them in order to protect ourselves.

Forgiveness means being life-affirming to the other person regardless of what they have done to us. Psychological research in recent decades has increasingly shown that forgiveness is a very important condition for our mental health. Even out of sheer selfishness, we should develop our capacity to forgive.

Misconceptions about forgiveness often make it difficult for us to forgive those who have in some way harmed us in more or less serious ways. It is important to clarify these first.

Forgiveness does not mean denying the harm. If there were no harm, there would be no point in forgiving. The first step is to say that the other person has wronged us. We make them aware of the harm they have caused us. We do not exaggerate, but we do not minimize. To the extent that we are able, we take an objective account of the harm that the other person's behaviour has caused us emotionally, financially, relationally, etc.

Forgiveness does not mean that we continue to subject ourselves to the other person's offences. If they are unwilling or unable to change their behaviour towards us, it is legitimate to set boundaries with them in order to protect ourselves.

Forgiveness means being life-affirming to the other person regardless of what they have done to us. It requires a conscious decision, and in the long run it involves a deep inner healing, which the practice of self-compassion can help a lot.

More compassionate people forgive others more easily. One reason for this is that it is clear to them that forgiveness is not the same as picking up where we left off in the sense of allowing ourselves to continue to be hurt. Because they are empathetic to themselves, alert to their own needs, they can judge more objectively the nature and magnitude of the hurt they have received, and can more easily draw their boundaries with those who consciously or unconsciously seek to harm them. With profound wisdom, they can discern how to defend themselves against those who continue to hurt them without retaliating.

Another reason why more self-compassionate people can forgive others is that self-compassion, by emphasising the recognition of our common humanity, makes us realise that no one can be held fully responsible for his or her own actions. Our past, the state of our body and soul, society, our immediate environment, and so many other factors contribute to the way we behave. This does not, of course, absolve us completely, but it does shade the weight of our responsibility. We realise that it is wrong to attribute fully conscious, deliberate evil intent against us to someone who has sinned against us.

One of the best ways to forgive is to understand what may have led the other person to do what they did. What feelings might they have been experiencing - fear, confusion, anger? What life experiences have they had? What are you struggling with? Why couldn't he stop himself, was he able to control himself, was he emotionally mature, able to empathise, able to delay meeting his needs? Why did he not have the opportunity to see models in his childhood from which he could have learned these things?

Even if it turns out that a person is simply evil or selfish, we might wonder what made him that way: insecure attachment, social isolation, life history, genetically inherited traits?

Of course, none of this means that we condone the other person's abusive behaviour. It is objectively wrong.

A simplistic, white and black view divides the world into the flawed and the flawless. The practice of self-compassion enables us to see reality in a nuanced way. This ability is part of our psychic maturity. We can see the other person's faults, recognise the harm they have caused, but we are also aware that we are not fully responsible for their actions. 

We recognise that we are in a similar situation, we make mistakes, we cause harm to others, and we are not entirely responsible for our mistakes. It is part of our common human nature that binds us deeply to all people, both those who we have wronged and those who have wronged us. Just as we desire life for ourselves, so we can desire the lives of our fellow human beings, those we have offended and those who have offended us.

We can also take into account the reality that we all have the right to self-defence. However we may desire the life of another person, if they are unwilling or unable to change their behaviour towards us, we will draw the line in defence of our own lives. And, in the deepest sense, it is for his life, for we do not allow him to be in a situation where he would be under the control of the destructive forces within him.

In compassion-focused therapy, it is possible for the process of forgiveness to come from inner experience, rather than from external norms, expectations and prescriptions. All we need to do is to turn towards ourselves with compassion and allow ourselves to be guided in the experience of compassion by the natural inner healing forces present within us.

In the process of forgiveness, the first step is to be compassionate with ourselves, with our own desires that could not be fulfilled because of the hurtful behaviour of the person who wronged us. We feel our pain, realise that we are not alone in it, and look for ways to be tender with ourselves who are suffering. Once we move from self-pity to compassion, this compassion spills over and gives us an inner sense of being saved. In its safety, we can begin to empathize with the other person, with his desire, with his dignity, which is independent of his actions, including the action that offends us. As we contemplate the dignity, the worthiness, in him, we may suddenly sense from within that he is wounded, that he is suffering. Not with rational knowledge, but with a kind of poignant intuition. We can begin to empathise with his suffering. We may also sense, with the same intuition, that we have contributed to his being wounded. In the space of compassion, we can contemplate this complexity of reality: that in both of us there is dignity, infinite worth, but there is also woundedness. And to each other's woundedness we have in some way mutually contributed. But this recognition, because it arises primarily from an inner intuition in the safe space of compassion, is not plagued by shame and harsh self-criticism. Rather, it fills us with wonder. If we dwell in it, it will heal and lead us to forgiveness.