Self-compassion and sympathetic joy
Self-appretiation does not put a stigma on us as to whether we are good or bad, valuable or worthless. It does not select a characteristic or criterion on which to base such a white-black value judgment. Instead, it is a way of relating to what is good in us. It stems from the realisation that we are constantly changing and can never definitively define ourselves as pure positive or pure negative beings.
There are many wonderful things about us that we can appreciate about ourselves even if they do not make us unique: that we can breathe, walk, eat, love, hug. We can celebrate these wonderful abilities, even if most people have them. Sadly, most of the time we only realise the wonder of these abilities when we lose one or meet people who have lost one.
The fact that we have many wonderful things that do not make us unique, yet are worth celebrating, is often reproached to us by our culture with a kind of harshness, judgment and shaming. Even voices like this can ring out in us, or others can say, ' If you are ungrateful and can't rejoice the little things, then you see how much you had but didn't appreciate, only when it will be too late."
Such threatening, shaming, superstitious voices are the furthest thing from self-compassion and self-appretiation. Self-compassion embraces with tenderness our pain that there are good qualities we lack. It senses this pain, realizes that we all suffer from it, and relates to our suffering selves with tenderness. It is in this safety of self-compassion that we become able to turn towards those qualities that may not seem special, yet for which we can be genuinely grateful.
Self-compassion and self-appretiation allow us not to play off against each other those qualities that do not make us unique and those that do. To be able to mourn what we don't (yet) have, while rejoicing in what we do have. To experience the spaciousness of our human heart, in which there can be both the pain of our shortcomings and the sincere, childlike joy of our potential.
When we also celebrate the qualities that make us unique, we can do so in the context that each person is part of a greater whole, and that the personal good qualities of each of us somehow enrich the whole of humanity. Although they are very personal, they are not just ours, but the common treasure of all human beings.
Acknowledging this can help us to overcome the temptation to think of ourselves as different from others, or the fear of becoming vain and conceited if we rejoice in our own good qualities.
In practising self-appreciation, we don't have to devalue others in order to feel good about ourselves. We become able to acknowledge our own actions while acknowledging those of our fellow human beings. We can celebrate our own talents while celebrating those of our fellow human beings.
When we encounter the joy and success of others, we often automatically feel envious. When we see others beautiful, we immediately feel ugly; when we see others successful, we feel unsuccessful. In such cases, we can also practice the three steps that are the basis of self-compassion and self-appretiation: noticing the joy, success and good qualities of the other person; realising that we are all deeply connected and that when someone celebrates, we have reason to celebrate too; and turning with sincere goodwill and life-giving to the other person who is enjoying themselves. This attitude also helps us to notice the other person's good qualities and not take them for granted. Practicing these three steps in relation to another person's joy is the practice of sympathetic joy, or selfless joy.
Self-appretiation and self-compassion are two sides of the same coin. The first focuses on what brings pleasure, the second on what brings suffering. The first celebrates our human strength, the second accepts our weaknesses. What really matters is that our hearts and minds are open to reality, with a gentle, loving opening, an embrace, rather than a constant evaluation, comparison and resistance.
As we walk through the triumphs and tragedies of our lives with a tenderness for everything, we become more and more able to experience that we are connected to everyone and everything.
That is not what our culture teaches us. It often puts us under a lot of pressure, which makes it difficult for us to have such an accepting and non-judgmental attitude towards everything we encounter in ourselves and in our environment. If we find that we are incapable of this openness, this acceptance, because of these cultural pressures, we can begin by turning to this inability with compassion.
I can consciously look for other people's good qualities, successes and joys. I can practice noticing them, realising that we all have joy, success and good qualities in common, and I can ignite in myself a good-will towards the other person. A particularly good way to do this is to look at Facebook posts. When someone posts a joyful picture on Facebook or some other social media platform, I can practice the three steps of sympathetic joy. I can look for the inner attitude im which another person's joy, triggers not envy, isolation, or self-condemnation, but a deep experience of togetherness in good, in Life, in joy. A hope that good can appear in the world, in the life of the other person, and in mine.