Shame comes from our primal and innocent desire to be loved and to belong. As infants and children, we survived by belonging to loved ones who cared for us. To survive as adults, we need each other to some extent. This is why existential anxiety is caused by a sense of shame, which tells us that there is something fundamentally wrong with us that makes us unacceptable and unlovable. Because shame sends the message that our survival is at risk, we experience it as a very intense emotion.

Three interesting paradoxes can be observed about shame: those who feel shame feel worthy of being judged, even though shame itself is linked to our innocent desire to be loved; those who experience shame feel lonely and isolated, even though shame is a universal emotion that deeply connects all people as a shared human experience; shame seems all-encompassing and permanent, even though it is only a temporary emotional state and relates to only part of our being.

There are important differences between shame and guilt: guilt refers to our behaviour, shame to our own being; guilt says that I have done something wrong, shame says that I am wrong; guilt can be a productive emotion because it encourages us to make reparations when we need to, shame is unproductive because it paralyses us and makes us unable to act effectively.

Research has shown that self-compassion enables us to experience guilt, sadness and regret without falling into the trap of shame. Thus, these emotions, although unpleasant, can have a positive impact on our behaviour, moving us towards reparation. Although we may fear that self-compassion makes us too permissive of our own mistakes, in reality the opposite happens: we are more willing to admit and repent of our mistakes and become more willing to make amends without being overwhelmed by self-deprecating thoughts.

We have core negative beliefs that are at the core of our sense of shame. "I am imperfect", "I am unlovable", "I am helpless", "I don't measure up", "I am a failure". If you add it up, there are barely 15-20 of these beliefs that billions of people on the planet experience. This is further proof that although we believe that imperfection divides us, it actually unites us as a common human experience.

Not daring to talk about what we are ashamed of contributes to the maintenance of shame. Our negative beliefs persist because we hide them from others and even from ourselves. We are afraid that everyone would reject us if they knew what we believe we have to be ashamed of. We forget that other people struggle with the same emotions we do. If we at least admit these shameful thoughts to ourselves, they begin to lose their power over us. We can compassionately, gently embrace the part of us that suffers from being filled with these negative beliefs. Instead of adding to our suffering by being angry at this wounded part of us, we embrace it with tender love. In this way we contribute to his healing.

Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. By responding to our mistakes with kindness rather than judgement, and by remembering that making mistakes is a shared human experience that connects us to others rather than isolates us, self-compassion breaks down the edifice of shame. It contributes to our ability to stay connected to our whole world of experience and to hold it in a tender embrace of love.

We can search with curiosity for the thoughts that trigger shame in us. With tender love and compassion, we can embrace our shameful selves.