The evolutional psychological basis of self-criticism and self-compassion

The journey of self-compassion begins by acknowledging that both self-criticism and self-idealisation are natural processes, neuropsychological features of our humanity, which have evolved over the course of evolution. This does not mean that we can now feel free to criticise or idealise ourselves, but in order to change this, we must first empathise with the suffering that comes from the imperfection of our bodies and nervous systems, which is a common experience of all human beings.

It is part of our reality that we oscillate between self-criticism and self-idealisation, because both promise security. If we look at it in terms of tribal development, we see that self-idealisation is related to thinking of ourselves as the best, that is, at the top of the hierarchy. This gives us security because those who are at the top have more opportunities to benefit from resources. And self-criticism is related to submitting to the leader. And those who submit to the one at the top of the hierarchy are protected and provided with the goods they need to survive. Therefore, paradoxical as it may seem, both behaviours are desirable because they ensure survival. It is perfectly logical that we, like our ancestors, use them instinctively, as it is healthy to fight for survival.

It is just a question of whether, here and now, in a given person's life, is this the best way to adapt, to survive, to fulfil? In the context of our modern society, we have to admit that these behaviours are most often disadvantageous. This is what compassion-focused therapy tells us: that our tricky brains, some of the traits we have developed through evolution, are now mostly a disadvantage rather than an advantage.

Each person considers himself better than the others, but only in those qualities that his own culture considers to be values (e.g. independence and originality in Western individualistic cultures, helpfulness and cooperation in Eastern community cultures). Even people who subordinate their own needs to the needs of others may find themselves self-idealising when they think of themselves as more helpful than others. Paradoxically, we can also experience self-sacrifice as being better than others (who are not self-sacrificing).

Such insights often lead us to feel ashamed. We question our own authenticity and worth. 

There are also times when we are fond of reminding others that, however servile they may be, they are in fact proving to themselves, by every good deed, that they are better than their fellow human beings. When we assert that all selflessness implies selfishness, all humility implies arrogance, and arrogantly expose this in others, we are in fact trying to maintain our high self-esteem by shaming the one we are lecturing.

This kind of ideation, when it has the effect of shaming and humiliation, lacks compassion. The self-compassionate person recognises the imperfect functioning of his nervous system, understands how this follows from the process of phylogenesis, and empathises with the pain and confusion that results from this paradox. He turns kindly towards himself and towards all people, knowing that this is a suffering that binds us all together.

We can be alert to those moments in our day when self-idealising or self-critical thoughts arise in us. We can simply notice that they have just appeared, and turn to ourselves with compassion and kindness, realising that this way of functioning is the result of our neurological imperfection, common to all humanity. We can even gently call ourselves by name and say, "It's not your fault!" We can listen with curiosity to what happens in this gentleness to our self-critical and self-idealizing inner voices...