Children learn from critical parents that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool. As a result, they will grow up believing that they can only maintain their motivation and strive to achieve their goals if they are harshly self-critical and unforgiving of themselves.

Experience shows that in the long term, we can perform best when we feel safe and trust others. Therefore, almost instinctively, in most cases, when we motivate our loved ones, we let them know that we love them, trust them and support them. For some strange reason, we take the opposite attitude towards ourselves.

Research shows that self-compassion has a dramatic impact on our ability to achieve our goals. In the long term, self-criticism undermines our belief in our self-efficacy and therefore does more harm than good to our ability to be the best we can be.

It is undeniable that self-criticism has a motivating effect, but this effect is based on fear. Because we experience being criticised as very unpleasant, we are motivated to run away from our own self-judgement. This works in the short term, it can even produce spectacular results, but it has very serious drawbacks.

One of the biggest problems with using fear to motivate ourselves is that fear undermines performance: it distracts us from the task at hand, it reduces our ability to focus. In fact, anxiety can lead a person to unconsciously engage in self-destructive behaviour. One degrades his own performance, sabotaging himself in order to have a reason to explain away any failure. He does not strive hard enough to achieve his goals because he is less ashamed of being able to explain his failures by his lack of effort than by his lack of ability. Procrastination can be a similar defence mechanism: it is easier to forgive ourselves for not being prepared than for being unable to do something. In such a case, the more we criticise ourselves, the more anxiety we grow, and the more self-destructive behaviours are reinforced, causing us to blame ourselves even more and fall into a vicious circle.

In contrast, self-compassion draws its strength from love, not fear. Love allows self-confidence and a sense of trust to grow. In our bodies, this happens through the release of oxytocin, as opposed to the amygdala-activating effect of self-criticism, which has the consequence of flooding the body with cortisol.

One common misconception about self-compassion is that self-compassion is simply learning to calm oneself. But healing and growth would not occur as a result of such superficial treatment. Self-soothing is an important step in self-compassion, but it is not an end in itself. By entering a calmer, gentler state, we activate skills that enable us to fight for our goals.

Self-criticism asks "am I good enough?", self-compassion asks "what is good for me?" Self-compassion addresses our deepest desires for health and happiness. Those who care about themselves will do what they need to learn, grow, heal, fulfill. It becomes natural, almost inborn, for him to want to change patterns of behaviour that are not helping him, even if it means giving up things that are pleasant in the short term.

Self-compassion involves valuing oneself in a deeper sense, making choices that lead to well-being in the long term. It seeks to heal and not perpetuate dysfunction.

We often encounter an attitude that contrasts self-indulgence with the pursuit of our long-term goals. Self-compassion integrates and does not oppose. 

 The self-compassionate person knows that there is nothing wrong with occasionally indulging oneself, as this can be a topical form of self-care. But it's not good to overdo it, because it can prevent us from achieving what we want: to unleash our potential.

If we want to improve, we need, of course, to face up to what we are doing to ourselves and find ways to behave better. What is not clear to many people is that in this process we do not need to be unkind to ourselves. We can be kind and supportive to ourselves while staying involved in the difficult process of change.

The effort to give up our momentary comfort and endure the discomfort that comes with the journey towards achieving our goals comes from self-compassion, a natural desire to relieve suffering, not to show others how good we are.

Our ability to achieve our goals depends in part on where our motivation comes from. Intrinsic motivation comes from a desire to learn, to grow, or from an interest in the activity we are pursuing. External motivation is driven by the desire to earn a reward or avoid a punishment. Even if the reward or punishment comes from within, such as the reward of self-esteem or the punishment of self-criticism, our motivation is still external. Therefore, our ability to achieve our goals is diminished by the latter motivation.

Self-compassion helps us to achieve our goals by reducing the fear of failure, because our feelings about ourselves are no longer determined by our successes, but by the respectful, gentle attitude that comes from our self-compassion.
Freed from the grip of fear of failure, we are empowered to take on much greater challenges, which open up the possibility of greater success. Contrary to misconceptions, more self-confident people are more authentic and independent, while those who are less self-confident are more conformist because they do not risk social judgment or rejection. And authenticity and independence are key factors for happiness.

Can we pay attention to what motivates us: is it fear or is it love? What is it like to experience one or the other? How do we feel it in our bodies, in our emotions, what thoughts are associated with them?