The scientific interest in self-compassion was initiated by the experience that there are people for whom the ABC model fails. These people admit that they need to change their way of thinking, but the more they try to do so, the more they run into internal walls that make it impossible for them to change. They complain: 'I know I shouldn't think of myself as a failure, but I can't help it. I tell myself many times that it's not true, but I just feel it."

Such a person, if asked to say to himself that he is "not a failure", is likely to reply in a harsh, harshly critical tone: "There you go again, thinking you are a failure! Don't you ever learn?! Understand that you are not a failure! Look at you, you have a family, you have a job, people look up to you! How much have you achieved in life?! Look at all the unfortunates in the world! How can you think of yourself as a bankrupt?! How can you be so stupid?!" The paradox is palpable. Now I am not " failure ", I am " stupid ". Nothing has changed in my negative attitude towards myself.

But even if one doesn't attach condemnatory and vulgar words to the sentences one says to oneself to replace one's sickening thoughts, one can convey an equally harsh criticism of oneself by the tone of one's voice. The result is the same: the sickening thoughts remain, and may even be reinforced.

There is a very simple neuropsychological explanation for this. When we have thoughts of sadness, anger, anxiety, our red system is working. When we are blaming ourselves, mourning the past or worrying about the future and we have associated thoughts in our minds, our red system regulates our emotions. And when we start blaming ourselves for these thoughts, we also use the mechanisms of our red system. So instead of reducing the red system's activity, we add another activity to the existing ones: self-blame. This starts a vicious cycle of positive feedback.

The vicious circle can continue by the fact that when we notice how strongly we criticize ourselves, we also start to criticize ourselves for our self-critical functioning. With this, we have asked our red system to do one more task. Just as violence cannot overcome violence, self-criticism cannot overcome self-criticism. This way is completely fruitless. "Do not hurt yourself for the sake of hurting yourself, in the vain hope that this will somehow lead you to not hurt yourself."

Self-compassion, with its gentle tone, is the only way to go. The kind and gentle tone with which we address ourselves turns on our green system.

After a while, the green system reduces the function of the red system, so the sickening thoughts it generates start to subside. In many cases, we don't even need to explain to ourselves that they were wrong, the mood that the green system brings makes it clear to us. We can accept healthy thoughts with less and less resistance, feeling as if something deep inside us is opening up.

Can we pay attention to the tone of voice we use when trying to convince ourselves of healthy thoughts? Is it the shrill voice of self-criticism, or the gentle, tender voice of self-compassion? How do we feel the harsh inner voice in our bodies and emotions and how do we feel the kind inner voice? If we notice that we are criticizing ourselves in a harsh tone of voice, we can try to say the same information to ourselves in a kind way. What do we experience in our body, in our emotions?