Loving-kindness

As a result of our culture, the expectation to be kind to our fellow human beings is written in our guts. When we fail to do this, we feel guilty. Often we don't even notice this guilt, but defend ourselves against it by proving to ourselves or those around us that the other person does not deserve our kindness. Yet the vehemence of this assertion is a sign that something has been damaged in us: we have not lived up to our own and our society's ideals of being kind to others.
But kindness to ourselves is not part of society's expectations. Although there are more and more suggestions to give ourselves all we need, to take care of ourselves, there is more of a harsh 'get what you deserve' flavour to these calls than a tenderness towards ourselves.
Our culture especially does not appreciate kindness to ourselves when something is out of our control or when we ourselves are responsible for suffering. In the first case, we are met with an external expectation that what we cannot change we accept with stoic calm, and in the second case, our self-criticism kicks in and our attention narrows to problem-solving. When we fail at something, we very often fail to acknowledge that guilt, disability, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, even shame, are feelings that we can respond to with gentle kindness towards ourselves.

Who would say to their best friend, when she complains that her partner has left her, "how could you think anyone would will stay with you? What a fool you are! How can you be disappointed! Look at you! Let's be honest! You're old, fat and wrinkled. You're not sensual and caring enough. Stop trying, no one will want you anyway!" In our suffering situations, we often have these conversations with ourselves that we would never think of saying to others.
Many people don't believe that they are capable of freeing themselves from self-criticism and learning to be kind to themselves. But it follows from the structure and functioning of our nervous system that all humans are to some extent capable of caring and receiving care. Reptiles have the red system in their brains, but mammals also have the green system in their brains, which is essential for survival, because mammalian babies are born without a mother and cannot survive if they are not cared for. This system can be developed in all humans. Caring, knowing how to connect, is an innate quality.
When we perceive that we are harsh and judgmental towards ourselves, we can look for ways to turn to ourselves as to a good friend, with tenderness in a situation of suffering. We can try to see what it is like to relate to ourselves in this way.